Friday, December 28, 2007

I Had Him Shaking In His Church Shoes

After church, my lovely family, decked out in their beautiful Christmas attire, strolled out of the church and made their way across the parking lot to our van. I watched from the church steps as my husband unlocked the door and my daughters and son climbed in.

As I approached the van, I heard a 6 year old girl screaming at the top of her lungs. The screams could be heard for miles and echoed loudly off of the church steeple. A chill ran up my back, fluttered across my shoulders and raced up the nape of my neck - where there it sent a chill through my body so cold that it could have frozen a raw chicken in two minutes flat.

I looked into the back seat and there on the floor was the six your old girl, in her beautiful velvet Christmas dress, hair pulled into a bun at the back of her head and held beautifully with a black velvet bow, and lovely black sequined shoes on her six year old feet. Straddled on top of her, also lying on the the floor, was the 10 year old boy, in his black church suit with the crisp pink shirt and gray speckled tie. They looked up at me, as I stood in the door - my children.

I closed the door, the two children still sprawled out on the floor, climbed quietly into my seat up front, closed my door and then screamed, "YOU ARE GONNA' GET IT WHEN WE GET HOME," to my boy child, now climbing like a little zoo-monkey - into his seat. Across the aisle from him was my 6 year old daughter, crying pathetically because she had been trampled to near death by her zoo-monkey-brother trying to get into the car before her ... and her beautiful bun was no longer nice and neat and pretty - but now a stringy mess of hair flowing down her back. She could barely catch her breath through all the sobs and tears.

I turned back in my seat with a huff and looked over at my husband, who was clueless as to why I was so angry and simply said, loudly, "HE IS GONNA' GET IT WHEN WE GET HOME." My husband shook his head in acknowledgement.

In the back seat, the little zoo-monkey boy kept saying, as we drove away from the church - away from the other civilized families and their darling little church-going children, "What do you mean, 'Get it?'" And I would not answer. "What do you mean - just explain to me what you mean, 'Get it,' so I'll know what to expect." I still did not answer and was very much enjoying seeing him sweat, for a change. "Come on ... what do you mean?" he begged and begged and begged.

On the upside ... Sometimes I just want to wring their necks and then sometimes I just want to break out in hysterical monkey laughter - "What do you mean, Get It?" - he was so scared and he must have asked 15 times - like I was going to string him up and hang him from a banana tree or something - I was so pleased with myself that, after 10 years with this zoo-child, that I had actually said something that scared him to death - said something that really had him worried - it was a very proud moment. (*sigh*)

56 comments:

Summer said...

Lol! Sometimes I wish I could scare my almost 6 year old that way. Nothing seems to phase the boy.

Michelle O. said...

Your poor daughter. It's funny that Olive is smaller, but she's the one that picks on Jean. Hopefully you scared a little sense into him...if only for a day. By the way, I loved the phrase "so cold that it could have frozen a raw chicken in two minutes flat" that's priceless!

Brittany said...

oh no. the things i have to look forward to, when the boys are older.

pb&j in a bowl said...

I use the tried and true, "I'll pull over this car, and I promise you won't like what happens." That has worked for a while. Now, she has started asking "what do you mean? What will happen?" I think I'll tell her she's gonna "get it".

onthegomom said...

It's refreshing to know that I am not the only one raising zoo monkeys!!!!

Jodi said...

What did he get? What did he get?

Melissa said...

Sometimes the not knowing is worse than any punishment you could dole out. WTG Mom!

Kristen said...

Those moments are way too few and far between! My 10 year old is very difficult to spook:)
Hope you have had a wonderful holiday season, thanks so much for the well wishes.

Lizzy in the Burbs said...

Funny story, Kellan! It's nice to know we're all in the same boat when it comes to our kids! (it's good to know once in awhile that we still have the upper hand, too, isn't it?) :)

justabeachkat said...

Well...did he get it? LOL

Boy, do I remember those days! I always called them by their full name (first, middle and last name) just like my Mama used to do. They knew they were in trouble if it started with that. Too funny!

BTW...I love your new look.

Hugs!
Kat

EC said...

LOL - I hope you weren't too hard on the kid ;)

Barrie said...

Well, you can dress them up, but you never know when they're going to act...like...kids!

Dad said...

Is he still alive? ? SURE HOPE SO ! !

multipleblessings said...

At least you can laugh about it now. :) ... Though that makes it harder to dole out the punishment. ;)

Julie

JCK said...

O.K., you've got to teach a course on scare tactics. There's just laughing in my face over here. Help! I need the TOUGH MOMMY Kellan squad!

Amy said...

love this one. unfortunately, in order to scare my 4.5 year old, i basically have to scare myself too!!! love him to death but he's not easy!!! hope you had a wonderful christmas. i am still recovering and bloggin slowly!

frog ponds rock... said...

Oh Kellan.. my Texan friend.. I have had such a bad day.. one of those days that You need to ring up your mum and just go.. muh muh muh mum..

Reading your post just now.. i took a Great big deep breath and LAUGHED.. A GREAT BIG CACKLE...
Thanks Heaps Woman!!!!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

That's just like, "wait until your Dad get's home...." We NEVER knew what Dad would do - of course, he never DID anything but the threat was enough to make us shake in our shoes!!

Hallie

Jodi said...

I love it! I have two zoo monkey boys and one big Suburban. Still, most times when we are getting into the car they are killing each other to get there first and get in on the same side!

Toni said...

So...." Did he REALLY get it???

Cheeky said...

See its those moments that I like being a Mom....such power (hehe).

I have found that the thoughts that rush through their head are ALWAYS much worse than the punishment they receive - but it never makes them any less scared.

Sniz said...

I'm dying here. What did you do to him when you got home?

That IS quite an accomplishment. I don't think I CAN scare my son anymore. You're my hero!

Lisa said...

I broke out in hysterical monkey laughter just reading about it! :o)

This wouldn't work with my daughter, Rosie. She would think "it" was a present. LOL

Jen said...

Well, I also want to know , what did he get? I'm sure whatever it was, wasn't as bad as what he had thought up in his head! Another upside is, at least you can still force them to go to church!

Mary Alice said...

tee hee...I knew I was going to like this post when I saw the title "I had him shaking in his church shoes"....anything that comes after THAT title has to be good!

One Scrappy Gal said...

My mother never used to tell my brother we were going to "get it" but she'd give us this look, this horrible look, that no one but my brother and I saw, that told us we were in deep doodoo when we got home. We'd be shaking in our shoes all day and no matter how good we were, when we got home, we got it. YOWCH!

The Stevens Family said...

Nice to know you have the touch! I don't know how you didn't laugh. I would have broke out in hysterical laughter and Alexis would have been mad if it were my kids. Good for you.

thirtysomething said...

Hey! I think I am going to try that phrase with my 10 yo monkey boy, who thrives on climbing all over his little sisters also. Must be a 10 yo boy thing, monkey-like behavior!
Funny post, I could almost hear the screaming!

Tracey said...

I gotta know: DID he get it?

Kami said...

I love the fact that you calmly got into the van before yelling at the top of your lungs!

Tee hee. I have much less class, I would have done it from the church steps.

;-)

patti_cake said...

Oh I can put the fear of god in my three year old but you did it in a ten year old BOY. You rock woman!

missy said...

I love doing that to my daughter! She hates not knowing and that ends up being better than the actual punishment itself.

Great story! Its so nice to see a blogger telling real stories and not just the 'my life and kids and husband are so perfect...' type stories. That is why I love coming here!

Kelly said...

I was in tears laughing at the zoo-monkey-boy phrase, as my own little animal tried to climb onto the computer table by leaping from across the room, using the bed as a trampoline. Good Gosh!

Hetha said...

I'm with the others, what did he get? You're an awesome momma bear you know that?

(And thanks so much for the holiday wishes you left over at Ethan's World!)

Andrea said...

Ah...I can remember all too well the fear of a looming punishment. You did good, Mom!

Joanna said...

I hear ya on the 'get it'! I can't believed he kept asking. If I go silent my boys start to fast and pray.
'Freeze a raw chicken in two minutes flat' - that's funny! When I hear that noise it makes my arm fly out and smack someone before I even know what happened.
Hope the girl recovered.

Jen said...

Ha ha ha. That is so cute. I don't think I have been able to instill any kind of fear into my children, they tend to just laugh hysterically *at me* when I make any sort of threat.

Mommi Tutu said...

Nice work Mama! I'll have to remember that one for when my kids get older :)

Angie said...

Amen, Sister. Keep the threats vague and intimidating. Works for me. Keep 'em guessin! I feel bad sometimes wondering where their imagination is taking them, but I still do it.
KEEP BELIEVING

Bia said...

A few times when I couldn't think fast enough on what a punishment should be, I told my boys that I had HAD it, and that I needed to think of something BIG as a punishment. And you know what? Making them sweat it out really works! (And to make sure it keeps on working, I use this technique very sparingly!!) God bless!

JCK said...

Hi Kellan! I've tagged you for a meme, if you're up for it! Have a great weekend!

The Stevens Family said...

By the way, I thought the orange was Courtney. Just a little Courtney intuition I guess!

Karen said...

Don't you wish, for once, that other people's kid would behave like this? And for the record, that line has no effect on my kids. Maybe it's all in the way you say it.

suburbancorrespondent said...

You can dress 'em up, but you can't take 'em out...

Susan said...

Hi Kellan, Thanks for visiting my blog. This post was wonderful to read. I love the picture of the monkey. That is what we call our 5 year old our little monkey. I will be visiting your site from now on.
Susan

Rachel said...

Your poor daughter. Bless her heart and your son, oh my gosh! LOL!! What a hysterical story! Thanks so much for sharing this Kellan.

HRH said...

Yeah for scary mommy! Boys piled on top of perfectly dressed siblings do not surprise me...

Becky said...

You go, mom!

I so need to know how to strike that same kind of fear into my sons heart...he's at this obnoxious stage where he tries to not grin when I'm disciplining him!

Pam said...

Hey, we have to take those proud momma moments when we can get them! Sometimes it feels few and far between so when you win a battle....even just for a few minutes...savor those moments!

Stella said...

I LOVE it!! That was great and I could completely picture the entire scene because it is the exact reason that I don't bring my two to church with us! :) Yet....

angie said...

Kellan,
I'm so glad you stopped by my site. I've actually visited yours before, too, and I noticed your twins! I think our common site is Scribbit? I belong to a support site for parents of monoamniotic twins, so many of my blog links are to other monoamnioitic twin moms, too. I'm looking forward to reading more, and hope you don't mind me adding you to my blogroll.

OHmommy said...

Proud moment, indeed.

I need to start a journal of things Kellan said. You are more seasoned then I am. Thanks for all the wonderful lines to use.

Zoe said...

OH! What did he get? I'd like to be able to scare my kids with it!!!

Wendy said...

I need another child! I love hearing about sibling behavior...good or bad. I'm a semi-only child. I have 3 step sisters but it isn't the same.

Family Adventure said...

What did he get, though?!?!

And why was he on her in the first place? I need to know these things!

Heidi

Angela said...

That really is awesome! I can totally imagine that and am pretty sure it happened when I was a kid. I remember sitting straight up in the church foyer while mom was in a meeting and my older brother, by two years, sat on my head. Totally threw my little kid back out for about a week. memories, fun memories!

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