Sunday, January 6, 2008

Child ... Pull Me Quickly From This Dark Place

She sat alone in her car.

The rain fell softly on the roof as she stared out the front windshield through the raindrops trickling down the glass. The light on a high pole nearby, allowed her to see the puddles swelling on the concrete and the chain linked fence that separated her from the ball field.

The silence that surrounded her, befriended the rhythm of the wipers swishing back and forth, the patter of drops hitting the roof over her head and the soft country music floating on a soothing cloud of notes and lyrics from the radio.

She stared into the dark night and she waited.

Her mind was free of cluttered thoughts and the sense of peace was a welcome relief. She settled back in her car seat and let out a soft sigh. She closed her eyes.

She was at ease in her moment of solitude. She was completely at ease.

But then it came over her ... like a thrashing ocean wave. Out of nowhere, a sudden sensation of panic. A flash of fear.

Chills raced over her body and her eyes flashed open. She became quickly and overwhelmingly frightened.

She reluctantly mulled over the thoughts that were invading her peaceful mind.

The previous soothing sound of the rain and the music suddenly began to blend with the chaotic fear and formed a cloud around her and in her ears that rang loud and out of control.

Her breath quickened and her heart raced.

Her mind took control and forced forward the black thoughts.

Her mind wanted to ponder.

Not thoughts of peace or quiet. Not conscience thoughts. Not ideas or plans or chores. Her mind wandered and settled on a subject she seldom contemplated. A subject she avoided. Her mind

wanted to go ...


into ...


the darkness.



To linger ...


To dwell ...



She struggled to distract her determined mind, but the thoughts forced their way through and she was confronted and afraid.

It had been many years since she had dwelt on these thoughts. Been consumed, even. She tried to wish the thoughts away. To coax her mind around and about and to calm her frightened heart.

She searched her surroundings. Her eyes darting over the dashboard, down to the floor - out the windows.

She turned the volumn up on the radio.

She tried to relax and close her eyes.

For a while ... she was crippled. She was alone and she was paniced.



But then ...



a loud knock came at her window.


She breathed in and opened her eyes.


It was her daughter's face ...


she sighed deeply.


Suddenly ... her heart settled and her breathing slowed.


The chills vanished.


The music softened and the rain was no longer pounding in her ears.


She felt warmth.


Silently ...


she thanked her child for pushing the thoughts away.


For reaching in and ... pulling her back.


For rescueing her from the dark thoughts.


From the dark place.


She looked into her daughter's eyes ...


she smiled.


She unlocked the door.

52 comments:

Anna said...

Great writing, Kellan! I think that's what our children are for...to keep us in the moment, to enjoy the present.

The Stevens Family said...

I've been there. And reading this made me feel like I was there, but then again your writing has a way of having that affect on a lot of people.

Angela said...

Sometimes the knock on the window is just what we need.

Bren said...

Powerful post, Kellan! I always say my kids were sent to rescue me.

Brittany said...

I actually stopped breathing while reading this post... wow. Thanks for the reminder that sometimes we need to pay attention to the knocks on the window- especially the knocks made by our kiddos! :)

Lizzy in the Burbs said...

Well, I don't know what dark place you were in, but I'm sorry that you felt that way, Kellan. Thank goodness it was fleeting and that your daughter pulled you back to what is real now. Take care!

painted maypole said...

it's amazing what children can do for US, isn't it?

thanks for stopping by my place. nice to meet you!

Sue said...

Oh, Kellan, my heart was beating for you. I'm sorry you have to go through those dark moments and memories. Beautiful, beautiful writing.

Dawn said...

Children are such a gift from God. Sorry you had to go through that. Your writing is so beautiful.

Hetha said...

I recognize this feeling, have felt it exactly 12 times since Ethan has been here. Were you worried about her safety?

Cindy Breninger said...

Awww, great story!
:)
Cindy
www.adayinthelifeofcindy.blogspot.com

La La said...

Powerful writing, Kellen! Good job with the suspense. Excellent!

The English teacher part of me wants you to write it in present tense and first person to see how it sounds in the here and now. Just a thought.

Loving your blog!

La La said...

I just got all self-conscious about suggesting that. Hope it was okay.

Family Adventure said...

Hugs!! Heidi

InTheFastLane said...

I know that I have dark places like that too that my mind tries to drag me into. The knocks are put there for a reason.

Beth said...

You had me on the edge of my seat with this post...hope everything is o.k.

Pam said...

You have such a way with words! This was so powerful! I fight the darkness too....thankfully we have our children to keep us focused and in the present. Yeah for the knock on the window!

kim-d said...

What you wrote of HAS to be real, because I was feeling it for you. Very, very powerful, Kellan; there are so many of us who have those dark places. I've been trying very, very hard to bring mine out into the light so there are no more dark places THEY can drag ME into...but it's not an easy process, and it is so scary, and it changes you. The knocks on the window are the reason I am trying to overcome the dark places; those precious knocks on the window.

Your writing, Kellan, is incredible. And, in my humble opinion, that is because you're incredible. I feel so fortunate to be able to "see you" and "talk to you" everyday!

Jen said...

I am so glad that your dark moments are few and far between these days. I know that wasn't always the case. Once when I was going through a rough time in my life, I used a visual imagery tape, basically it just talks you through an image that you place in your mind that calms you. I hope your dark moments continue to lessen as time goes on.

Mary Alice said...

That gave ME chills. I felt terror like that once when my daughter was missing in the dark in a snowstorm.

Julie Pippert said...

Powerful and amazing, Kellan. Evocative.

One Scrappy Gal said...

I can relate. I find that when I start to drift towards that dark place too, my little ones are always there to pull me out. Their bright smiles light the end of the tunnel for me. They are such beautiful, precious little gifts.

Lisa said...

Gulp.

wheelsonthebus said...

My kids do that for me, too. They help me let go of the dark thoughts. Usually with laughter.

Melissa said...

Thanks goodness for our kids, they pull us back from the darkside.

Kami said...

Our kids are truly our light! Thank the heavens for them every. single. day.

Once again your talent is phenominal. Gotten started on that book yet?

:-)

Ness said...

Wow, Kellan, I, too, was on the edge of my seat reading your blog. I hope everything is OK now. I am not sure of what darkness you speak, but I am a card carrying member of panic attacks, depression and worry and I fight daily to keep the darkness from me. Hugs to you. You are a phenomenal writer.

Ness

Susan said...

Wow, That was absolutely breathtaking the whole time I kept saying to myself reach out and grab Jesus' hand. But you weren't strong enough so he sent you and Angel!!!

kimmy said...

What an inspirational post. Thank you for reminding me how important my little "angels" are in my life!

Kimmy

Sniz said...

Wow, I got chills reading this. Your blog is unique...I love it for posts like this, but you also have fun, witty everyday stuff too; a little bit of everything. And for me, it's bonus to read someone as emotional and creative and in love with beauty and her family as I am. I love it!

Karen said...

Kellan, you've had some horrid tragedy happen at some point. I'm so, so sorry. I'm glad your daughter rescued you this time from the dark thoughts.

jen said...

oh sister. sometimes it's these small graces. sometimes it's all we've got and yet somehow, it's enough.

Nicki said...

Wow Kellan! That was powerful. I've been there too. Thank goodness for our children.

kim-d said...

Hey you! Thanks for the comment on my "Computer Illiterate" post; I fixed it, and I also left a comment TO YOU there. So hop on over and take a look when you get a chance, and then look down to "I'M SEPTEMBER..." cause I'd love you to do it...but only if you want :). You will be my good friend, right? :)

Em said...

Very power full, your writing is superb. I love reading your blog!

JCK said...

We work so hard at guiding, affecting our children. And they give us the much bigger gift of guiding us...back to the joys. Lovely, lovely post, Kellan.

joan said...

What a great post Kellan and I can relate to what you wrote also but I do not have your talent for expressing myself. I truely appreciate your writing.

Eileen said...

Such a powerful post Kellan. Such beautiful writing. I know the place you speak of, and I am always amazed at the power of our children to bring us back to the light.
XOXO

R Family of 4 said...

What better of a person to pull you back to the now than your beautiful daughter. I hope those moments of panic are few and far between and when they do come crashing that there is always someone there to knock on the window. Take Care

Kami said...

Kellan, you deserve all the praise you get from me and all your other loyal readers.

SERIOUSLY. Start the book!

Karen MEG said...

Kellan, that was truly inspirational. You know, our children really are the lights in our lives, as you've so powerfully illustrated. Great writing.

MamaGeek said...

Kellan, this was awesome. I hung on every word. You're a very talented author.

Wendy said...

Great description...I've felt it many times. I thank God everyday for my little guy, he has gotten me through my hard times of late.

Sharon said...

It is amazing how we can all relate to feelings of fear.How words can all remind us of the things that can set us off.
Fear is a horrible thing.
Some times that perfect love that cast out fear shows up in disguise. \o/
I am glad that it was something that had been a long time since you had had to deal with it.
I almost hate to say great writing because it seems to make lite of the feeling expressed. But I will say I was right there with you.
He sees you. He knows.

Patti said...

I agree, children do show us the moment and teach us to enjoy seemingly little things.

Andrea said...

can i have a signed copy of your first book? it'll be worth MILLIONS one day....

Becky said...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...you have SUCH a way with words, Kellan!

I don't know what place of fear and darkness was, but I hope it's long in your past, and am thankful that you have such a wonderful family to keep you in the present. God Bless You, dear friend!

Heather said...

My heart is pounding in my chest just from reading your words. We all have those dark places we try to avoid. Thank goodness for our loving distractions.

Stacie said...

YIKES GIRL.

I lost my breath too!

Mo said...

What a breathtaking post. There were many times that I knew that my girls were the only thing keeping me alive. I'm so glad I have them because it gives me a purpose.

BeachMama said...

Great writing Kellan. May you never go back into the dark. And may your kids always be there to bring you out if you need it. Children are blessings in so many ways.

baby~amore' said...

I echo Beach mama and everyone else- enough said already.Thank God for our kids.

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