Monday, February 25, 2008

Attention All Shoppers

Not too long ago, I was at Wal-Mart with my four children and we pulled down one the aisles of the parking lot. I stopped to wait for a lady to pull out, so I could get her spot. The parking lot was packed that day and I was determined to get this one space - so I sat there and waited.

There was this guy in the car behind me. I could see in my rear view mirror that he was becoming frustrated. At one point I saw him raise both hands in the air as if to say, "What's up - what's the hold up?" I waved him around (I don't know why he just kept on sitting there anyway). When he finally drove past me, I rolled down my window and screamed, "It's a PARKING LOT! I'M WAITING FOR A PARKING SPACE! IT'S-- A-- PARKING-- LOT!"

My kids said, "Whoa, Mom. Settle down. Why are you so angry?"

I was angry. Men have no concept of this whole shopping thing. I was waiting for a PARKING SPOT!

I don't think men should even be allowed in these stores. They never know where anything is, they never care when they are in everyone's way and they are clueless as to how serious we women are about this shopping RITUAL! They need to stay out of these stores or at least ... enter and leave through the auto repair department - back by the tools - we never go near that section of the store!

I'm not normally an angry driver - but, I am an angry shopper - so get out of my way!

Billy never goes to these stores, unless one of the children persuades him to. He confines his shopping to auto parts stores, tool stores, office supply stores, an occasional grocery store and home improvement stores. He's smart enough to stay out of the stores I am in.

We never go shopping together either. Billy hates shopping. Maybe he hasn't realized yet that he could possibly use these outings as opportunities to rack up more points for himself. Surly if people were to see the two of us together at Penny's or Sears, they would say, "Poor Billy. Look how miserable he looks." And, because he walks so much slower than me, it would likely come across as if he was tagging along and people would probably say, "Poor thing - she's always dragging him everywhere."

I don't want him in these stores, as he'd only slow me down and he's completely unhappy to be there. I don't have the time to teach him how to enjoy shopping. Nor do I have the time to stop and correct any of his bad etiquette habits. I have a hard enough time minding my own manners: "Excuse me - Can you help me, please - Sorry - Thanks a lot." There are absolutely too many pleasantries and manners required while shopping. Billy is not equipped to handle this duty on his own and I don't have the patience. I'm already dealing with other women's obnoxious husbands, wandering teenagers, out of control toddlers, crying babies, rude sales clerks and slow moving old people, in the aisles of these stores I frequent - I don't want Billy there too and I certainly don't need anyone to see us together so my husband can rack up anymore "Poor Billy" points.



On the upside ... "Get in - get out," that's how my husband describes the perfect shopping experience. Not me - Nooooo! I need me some serious foreplay and a cigarette after (tee hee)!

72 comments:

Karen said...

I hear you! And what annoys me even more is shopping with my husband! Not taking him with me, but going with him. UGH. I'd sooner chew my legs off.

Kathryn said...

That is funny! My hubby has gone grocery shopping with me only once or twice and I don't want him to ever again. He is so SLOW!!! BAH! We have three small children. Limited time mister! Move your butt!!!! Drives me nuts.
Men. ;)

Jen said...

You're out of control, aren't you? Do you yell at everybody these days? That guy is my husband, he absolutely hates when someone sits and waits for someone to pull out of a space. As long as they aren't in the way, I don't see what all the fuss is about. Poor guy, he was probably traumatized by the crazy screaming lady.

HRH said...

Amen sister. Get in and get out? Give me a serious break, its shopping!

Lizzy in the Burbs said...

Is there any chance we are married to the same man? (I suppose not since Texas and Illinois are rather far apart, it would be a tough commute!) :) I absolutely agree with you, leave the husbands at home if they can't keep up the pace!

Lizzy

Brittany said...

My Andy loves walmart more than I do. He's a shopping whore, if you will. lol But that's why I love him.

Melanie said...

It drives me crazy when my hubby comes shopping with me!

I have an award for you at Livin' With Me, stop by and pick it up.

Eagles' Wings said...

I hear you! You read my mind!

Melek said...

i've quickly discovered that my BF is a browser...i'm not. i'm a get in get out kind of shopper. especially at the grocery store. i can get there, shop, check out and unload the groceries at home in an hour or less....IF i go by myself. but with JD, forget it....it's over an hour JUST in the store. and dont get me started on going to Home Depot...i refuse to go there with him at all anymore unless he stays in the car and lets me out at the curb to run in for whatever we need.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Have you ever taken a man to IKEA? I do not recommend it!

Dawn said...

My husband and I are just the opposite. He likes to browse, I like to get in and out as quickly as possible. I shop mostly on the internet now and my grocery shopping I have down to a science to get it over with as quickly as possible. You are so funny.

Bavani said...

I totally agree with you - there's just no peace shopping with a man! :)

jennifer h said...

I'm the get in, get out girl. My pet peeve? People who shop in groups at stores like Walmart. I'm all like, PICK A DELEGATE! Everyone else, go wait in the freaking car. There's nothing worse than trying to get down an aisle (optimally, at 80 mph), and getting slowed down by a group spread 5 wide across the aisle. People could get hurt.

I would have testified on your behalf if you'd hurt the parking lot guy.

Are You Serious! said...

♥ If I have a list I'm IN & OUT! (like your hubby) I hate shopping, BUTTTT, If there is a sale, leave me alone and let me do my thing! :)

Amy said...

I love to shop. ALONE! You think it would be fun with four daughters. But it really isn't!

Joanna said...

Heehee - that is so true yet so funny.

bermudabluez said...

Totally agree! Women only should be able to shop!

frog ponds rock... said...

oooops!!! hehehe I really really dislike shopping... but I absolutely hate shopping when the hubby is with me.. I would have yelled in the parking lot as well ...

I do like shopping for stuff for my grand daughter though *sigh*.

cheers kim xx

Amanda said...

I'm lucky. My husband is the most patient shopping partner and car park stalker about. He treats the car park like a game!

Valarie said...

I couldn't agree with you more!! Oh, and sorry about the out of control toddlers and the screaming baby...that was probably my family. :)

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I think I am going to go home and kiss John. He may not love shopping but he totally comes with me and helps out completely so we can both be only half miserable!

He goes grocery shopping with me and everything!

Hallie

dlyn said...

I leave my husband home when I am shopping, but I shop more like a man all the time - I know what I want, I go and get it and I am out of there. I used to shop like a woman but I got tired of it I guess :)

OHmommy said...

Oh man, do I hear you! LOL.

BTW, I too will be at blogher. See you there! I dont know of anyone going, besides you.

Jacki said...

I have parking-lot rage. I hate trying to find a place to park. And I cannot take my husband shopping with me because after a few minutes he gets bored.

Dad said...

If I'm in the store and- - -I see you coming I'll give you a wide bearth ! !

kimmy said...

I love to just walk around and browse too. It is just pure torture for my husband though! I think he has a phobia of shopping!

Kimmy

Meg said...

I hear you on the parking lot incident! I am lucky though in the sense that El Jefe does not mind going shopping, well, let me re-phrase that, he goes and doesn't complain. Still, I would rather do it alone for the most part, or with another girlfriend, shopping is serious business with me, lol! El Jefe says I can go into a 7-11 and "browse" for an hour...

Lisa said...

That sounds a whole lot like a couple I know! ROFL

Bennie is just happy that our Wal*Monster has a Subway in it. He gets himself a munchie and waits for me and Rosie to get done shopping.

Family Adventure said...

I didn't get the shopping gene, myself...so how about Billy coming and hanging out with me and the boys while you hit Walmart??

Heidi :)

Courtney said...

Mike goes with me occassionally and it's not too bad, but it's either him or the kids! Never both and I prefer neither.

Kami said...

My husband has the same philosophy as yours. I am like you, give the foreplay and the cigarette or it's just not worth it!

;-)

You will not chicken out of BlogHer. I need a full report. Go. Go get the report!

:-)

acmr254 said...

I happen to like your husband's way of shopping. I HATE shopping. Not because I hate shopping, but mostly because I hate people. There are WAY too many people that have no idea that there are other people shopping around them. I am quite impatient and easily irritated. "Get in...Get out." Sounds good to me. :)

katydidnot said...

as long as the "in and out" get it over with isn't his attitude in..ahem...everything.

love the upside.

Melissa said...

I so missed the shopping gene!! I'm all with the get in and out....

Steph said...

Billy sounds like my Dad, he doesn't like shopping either. When we go shopping he stays at home. You are right men, need to stay home and not even try.

Steph

sting said...

well, my hubby is ok with shopping... especially when it's the electronics department :-)

tommie said...

I don't do Walmart unless I am in the right frame of mind. I call it "combat shopping"....it wears me out. Now Target shopping is pure bliss...nice clean isles, cute fun stuff....a total different experience!

Patti said...

Your husband sounds like mine, I hate to go with mine too. He drags me down like an anchor and don't even get me started on the concept of bargain shopping.

CY said...

Whoa, I wouldn't want to be that poor gentleman there. Cool it down, lady. But I can understand. You know what, in Malaysia, they are worse. They got down from their cars and started to quarrel about who gets there first and eventually leading to heated argument.

Matchbox Mom said...

oh my goodness! hahaha!
I must say that my gay friend is the best male shopping partner i've ever had tho!! hehehe
Good post! Thanks for the chuckle!

Holly said...

Kellan, you crack me up! My son calls Wal-Mart, Voldemart. I shop there out of necessity, not choice!

Marie said...

My husband and I NEVER shop together. In fact, I prefer to shop by myself. That way, I can look around without any distractions or feeling like I'm holding someone up.

Janice said...

I am right there with you, foreplay and a cigarette- Love it

Goldenrod said...

I've been sitting here for the last several minutes reading your latest post, and the walls were echoing with my laughter!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Laurie M. said...

Haha! I am with you- I love shopping! As long as I can go by myself with lots of $$$$ to spend!fsd

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

Wow, I almost feel guilty for getting so many giggles at this. My hubby makes me crazy when we shop together. He will not keep up! He will not move the bloody cart out of the way for others. He gets distracted and wanders off and then I waste precious moments finding him again.
worse than kids!

Cathy said...

"Nooooo! I need me some serious foreplay and a cigarette after (tee hee)!"

Hilarious!!!

Heather said...

No arguments from me. The only shopping John and I do together are toys for the boys for Christmas.

Leah said...

I hate shopping. Unless it's for craft stuff. Or things for the kids. And never on a crowded shopping day...I'd rather avoid crowds and pay full price another day. Or buy nothing at all... Nothing ever fits right anyway!!! LOL!!

And about that parking spot...I'm totally laughing here. Unless it's raining, or is hinting rain, we don't wait around for a spot up close; we'll park far away. I call it good exercise for myself. LOL!!!!!!!!!

Angie said...

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Oh, and Ditto!
KEEP BELIEVING

One Scrappy Chicklet said...

You are lucky Mr. I don't want to wait in line didn't whip around you and steal your spot. That happened to me once so I just pulled up behind him, got out, locked my doors and went shopping anyway. Cost me $35.00 for illegal parking but it was worth it when he had to sit there and wait for me.

MEN have NO idea.

Tami

Sniz said...

What a funny, great post! So true.

Anna said...

So funny...I have a three year old it is a BEAR to park far far away from the entrance of a store...if I see a good spot opening up, I'll wait forever! ;-)

Karen MEG said...

My husband hates Walmart, and hates shopping in general. But how ironic is it that he always gets the best freakin' parking spot on the lot. Every time!! So I HAVE to bring him with me...just for the parking!!!

Bren said...

"I need me some serious foreplay and a cigarette after (tee hee)!" Hysterical!!!

girlytwins said...

So funny and So true. I always did the grocery shopping alone before we had kids but now the hubby thinks its fun for it to be a family affair. I spend almost as much time trying to find him with the grocery cart as I do shopping. He a habitual wander offer. Drives me insane. And at a mall or the 'Mart' as I call the walmart no thank you!

Pam said...

Well, I am spoiled, my hubby is a good shopper. But, I hear ya! I love your description....serious foreplay and a cigarette after...I LOVE it!

Amy said...

You so crack me up!! I can't let my husband near Walmart, he's like a 5 year old in Toys R Us, total sensory overload..."honey we need this"..."can I get one of these?".."wow, how come we don't have this"...it really should be a law..LOL

LunaNik said...

"I don't think men should even be allowed in these stores."

I peed myself laughing. You're hysterical and soooo right!!!

My hubby has NEVER gone shopping with me. I warned him looooong ago that he's better off at home. This is the one and only time he actually listened to me.

kim-d said...

It used to be that everytime I found myself in the W*l-M*rt parking lot, I would have to have a 5-minute chat with myself about the way it would be when I got inside that hell-on-earth place. I finally figured out it just wasn't worth it...I've never been happier. HAHAHA!

Tammy said...

And exactly HOW do you know me and my husband so well????????????

multipleblessings said...

*rofl* .... Joe and I do all our shopping together, and unless it's birthday/Christmas shopping, all four kids are with us too. :D ;)

Julie

The Boyds Family said...

The only time I want to get in and out is when it's the dreaded grocery store....I HATE grocery shopping.

Otherwise, I want to stroll down every isle and see all the new gadgets and items. I am especially bad in Target - that is my favorite shopping place. I get happy just walking through the doors.

Jen said...

I hate everything about walmart from parking lots to check out...its such a nuisance. I cut that relationship out of my life and haven't looked back. It's a huge relief to be done with them...

JCK said...

You are too funny. Dealing with other women's obnoxious husbands! You sound like a consummate shopper, Kellan. And you should be proud.

Anonymous said...

LOL loved this post....too funny!!

I got your name over at Kat's...nice to meet you.

Kathy :)
jokaj

bren j. said...

So what happens in 30 years when WE'RE the slow old people!? We'll maybe only complain more about the younguns and their roller skate shoes, right? Oh wait...I already do that?

LaskiGal said...

Ha, ha . . . what a perfect post. Perfectly TRUE, that is.

This Southern Belle said...

oh this made me laugh so hard. my husband always parks and enters through the garden center, and I always wandered why! ;)

gina said...

My hubby refuses to shop Walmart, Target, etc. anything besides the grocery store with me. oh well, no one to remind me of the budget. tee hee.

And gee where did your daughter learn to scream at people. On the upside: It's not the WORST thing she could have learned from you. There were no profanities yelled, right?

Rachel said...

Rolling. Absolutely rolling.

I'm the one that parks as far away as possible, but it has a little to do with the new car. :-)
I have been known to 'stalk a spot' though. Especially at walmart.

Stacie said...

girl, your temper cracks me up.

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