Sunday, March 30, 2008

They Are My Heart

They entered the dimly lit CICU hospital room and lingered in the shadows by the doorway.

I could see them clearly, standing together. I knew they were there and yet it was as if I was seeing their shadows in a bright light at the end of a long corridor. As if they were not close at all - and not real, but a dream.

My heart raced and then slowed. Tears welled in my eyes at the sight of my sweet family.

My son stood beside his father and his sisters and tried to put on a brave face. His little sister walked bravely to the side of my bed, looked me in the eyes and cried, "When are you coming home, Mama?" Tears rolled down the cheeks of my tiny girl as she buried her face in my lap. My son stayed back.

He has never been a mama's boy. It has not been until the past year or so that the boy has been drawn to his mother. They have grown close. It has been such a pleasure to see him grow and become a young man, and at the same time ... fall in love with his mother, like a small child.

I would look over and there he'd be - staring at me. Not saying much, but watching my every move and listening to the chatter of his sisters and soft whispers of his sick mother. He eventually moved close to the side of my bed - close enough for me to place my hand on his back and urge him closer. He leaned, cautiously, on the edge of my bed, looking over his shoulder into my eyes and offering sporadic heart warming smiles. It was obvious that he was afraid.

I could not sit up. I could barely breath or string together a coherent sentence. But ... I was able to see the look in my son's eyes. The look in my daughter's eyes. The look in my husband's eyes. I saw the fear. I saw the connection - to me. I saw ... the longing and the love.

When the visit was over and the family began to pull away from the mother and move into the hallway, one by one ... the son lingered behind. He snuck back to his mother's side. He smiled sweetly. He said, "Bye, Mom," and then he walked away.

The mother was sure the son had gone and then ... he returned to her side once again, like a flash of light from heaven. He took her arm gently and hugged it to his chest. He did not look up when he whispered, "I love you Mom. I miss you Mom," and then he turned again and he was gone.

It scared the mother to be left alone. To feel so sick. To feel the sadness and see the fear in the eyes of her children. But ... it was also a brilliant moment in the mother's life. The time when her loved ones gathered around her ...

to protect her ...

to support her ...

to raise her up.

She felt loved.

She was loved.

It was dark, but ...

It was going to be okay.

63 comments:

Holly said...

Beautiful Kellan. I'm so glad you're home and doing better.

Brittany said...

What lovely children you have!

Keep resting up, mama! :) Feel better soon!

Summer said...

Beautiful Kellan. And I'm so glad the story has a happy ending.

Pam said...

that is so beautiful Kellan! you really have a knack for writing! Keep getting that much needed rest and I hope you are feeling much better soon!

InTheFastLane said...

I am so glad you are better and I am sure your family is even more happy. That must have been tough for your kids, but it sounds like they were well taken care of. Now, you let them take care of you :)

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

This was beautiful. I could feel exactly how you felt.

Melissa said...

I'm so feeling you today! We really have no idea how our illnesses affect our children.

I hope that you continue to feel better than that your children are feeling less afraid as time goes by!

Julie said...

That was beautiful!... And it must have been very scary. I am so glad you're home!

Are You Serious! said...

♥ What a sweet family you have! I'm so glad that you're home and on to feeling better!

Kami said...

Oh Kellan, that breaks my heart and makes it sing all at once. You are amazing and I am so happy that you getting better. Especially for those precious kids and hubby! They know what a wonderful Momma they have.

:-)

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

What an awful time, what a beautiful family. I am so sorry for what you have been through, I am praying for a quick recovery and am glad you are finally home.
Take care friend, God bless.

Dawn said...

This was so beautiful Kellan. I'm glad you have such a wonderful family to be there for you during this difficult time.

Anna said...

What a sweet boy! You are a very lucky woman, to have such a wonderful family at your side...

Bavani said...

This post brought tears to my eyes Kellan - that you are having to go through so many hard things - but yet, it's so nice to hear that you have such a family enveloping you with so much love :)

Becky said...

I'm all misty now, Kellan. But it was beautiful. Glad you're back home!

Family Adventure said...

Frightening, isn't it, to not be able to just jump out of bed and hug and kiss your loved ones?

It does make me appreciate our health more. And I'm so glad to hear that you are well on the way to recovering yours, too. So that next time Billy comes up to you, it will be without fear in his eyes, and you'll be able to give him a nice, long hug and a kiss.

Enjoy your Sunday at home, Kellan.

Heidi

jennifer h said...

Well, now you made me cry. This was beautiful. I'm so glad you're home and on the mend. You have a beautiful family, and you're all so lucky to have each other.

Hugs.

imbeingheldhostage said...

Ok, the silver lining of getting so sick and nearly dying? Experiences like that. What a beautiful post. I want to hug that little boy-- I'll just go hug mine instead. I would tell you to journal that moment to treasure forever, but you just did--you do know you can turn your blog into a book, right? I have the link in my sidebar when you're feeling a little better. Glad you're recuperating and our prayers are still with you!

Steph said...

Glad you are home and on the mend! Take care of yourself!

Kelly said...

That brought tears to my eyes!!

Happy Days said...

You just made me cry! You have a way with words. I felt like I was in the room visiting with your family as I read this post!
How awful to be so sick! I hope that you are on a fast road to recovery. Not that you want to experience the scare that you had, but, it is wonderful to feel the love like you did!
Hang in there girl and get better!

marybeth said...

Kellan--I found my way here via a friend, and have to say I am so glad you are on the mend. No one ever wants to have the scare that you and your family did, but to see how much they love you is wonderful. Get well soon!

Leah said...

Didn't I just say yesterday I needed to carry tissues around with me when I "visit" you?

It IS a wonderful feeling when your family rallies to support and protect you, and it's OHHHHHHHHHHH SO HARD to see them have to leave. I don't know about you, but when I had my 9 day hospital stay last March, the brightest and darkest moments happened when my family would come. I never felt happier when they'd come, and I never felt more alone or more sad than when they left.

Again, I'm so glad you're home and I hope you continue to get well!

JO-N said...

Beautifully written, Kellan. That was the moment you truly feel their love for you, very strong love that you may not be able to feel on other days. I'm glad that you are well now.

jen said...

oh, K. what a heart wrenching journey you've been on.

sally said...

Its so good to hear that you are home now and close to your family. Take the time to rest and get better!

Rachel said...

Kellan- as I am sure you have been told b ut your kids are such a reflection of you. I am s happy your are home. At least you had a wonderful haircut in the hospital. I am so happy you are loved that much!! By family and bloggers. We missed you.

Eagles' Wings said...

Family never meant more than when we are ill. We really appreciate each other more after a crisis.

You have a wonderful family.

gina said...

Something so sweet out of such a terrible experience. May God be with your family through this trying time and always!

Catlin Humes said...

to have the support of your family is one of the best feelings one could ever experiance. I hope and pray that you feel better every day!

Joanna said...

Oh how sad and sweet at the same time. They must be so relieved to have you home.

E said...

Beautiful. Welcome home.....go slow!

Holly said...

KEll you have been through it! I am glad you are home and doing better!

Bradley's Mom said...

So glad you are home and on the mend!

God bless you, and your wonderful family.

Linda

The Boyds Family said...

Absolutely beautiful! How scary for you and your family. I'm so glad you are on the mend. Please take care of yourself.

Yvette

Andrea said...

Glad you're home, Kellan!

I am in the process of privitizing my blog and I'd love to add you to my list of 'invites.' But I need your email address and for some reason I can't access it from your profile. Can you email it to me at lesan Thanks!

Kelli said...

So sweet!

joan said...

Wonderful post! I bet it was that love that brought you through this. Take care Kellan!

Dad said...

Excellent. The same way I felt when all of you came to my hospital room.

Toni said...

I'm glad you are on the mend. You are blessed with a loving, devoted family....and they are blessed with you, as well.

Val Cox said...

wonderful Kellan...but you are supposed to be resting!

Jen said...

What a heartwarming post! I was crying reading it, and my dad called for me, so I answered the phone all blubbery. He already thinks I'm a weepy overly sensitive female so I just reinforced those beliefs. HA! You should be resting, but I certainly understand why you wanted to document that.

Patti said...

So glad to check in and see that you are home. I know it had to be really tough on you AND the family. Hugs my friend!

MamaGeek said...

Wow, very powerful and beautiful. Welcome home and please rest up. As you know, you are loved and missed!

Angela said...

Darn it you made me cry.
That is so wonderfully special!
It is so grand to know and feel love.

Kathryn said...

That must have been so scary. I'm so glad you are home and safe now. You are a lucky woman to be loved by such an amazing family. And they are lucky for such a woman like you.
Glad you are doing well. Rest. And don't worry about your bloggy friends. We will still be here when you feel better. You are missed!

My Goodness said...

You could pinch me to make me cry, but NOOOOO, you write these beautiful, touching stories...you are so loved by your family! Very sweet!

Kimberley said...

This was so sobering and scary to read as a mother...you are strong, and you are blessed. I don't know if I could have ever formed this experience into meaningful words as you have. Thank you for being a powerful, wonderful example!

LaskiGal said...

Oh, my heart. Love. What love . . .

A scary moment that reveals so. much. love.

JCK said...

Eerie and lovely all at once.

CY said...

That is the most beautiful post that I have ever read Kellan.

Beth said...

Beautiful post...it brought tears to my eyes!

THopgood said...

Beautiful....just beautiful! You make me cry.

I'm glad your home and feeling better.

Karen said...

Oh, Kellan! You've made me cry. How wonderful to have such a loving family, a sensitive son and to finally be home with them.

Don Mills Diva said...

So beautiful Kellan - it brought me to tears. You are blessed!

Heather said...

How scary for everyone. A terrible reminder of how precious and fragile life is, even the life of a mother who seems so strong and infallible. Glad you are home and feeling better. Don't try to do too much - it will take you a while to recover from such an awful illness.

BeachMama said...

Such beautiful words Kellan. So glad you are home and recovering. Hope you are up and about soon.

Elaine A. said...

What a sweet post. I have two boys myself and sometimes I worry about how our relationship will be as they get older. This gives me hope.

What a lovely and dear family you have...

Tammy said...

What a beautiful, touching post. Your family is special. You are special. What a neat thing.

Now I need to go blow my nose. :)

Shan said...

Well that made me all teary eyed. Glad you're home, I missed you.

Bren said...

Oh, Kellan. You made me cry!
So good to see you back. You were missed!

Mary said...

What a beautiful post Kellan :)
I glad you are home and hopefully that you are resting comfortably in your own bed :)
Take it easy and get better, okay?

just jamie said...

The power of the love of a child ... and love for a mama. Keep it up.

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