Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Who Knew I Would Turn Out To Be Such A BOOB!

When I was a young girl ...


I was never very tall.


I was skinny and small.


I didn't have particularly great hair.


I didn't have particularly clear skin.


I didn't have gorgeous long legs or fluffy long eyelashes.


I was normal.


And ...


Flat chested.


Oh ... not as flat as some, but ...


A lot flatter than I would have liked.


I often wore padded bras.


I often did chest exercises ---


We must ...
We must ...
We must ...
Increase our ...
BUST!


You know the one!


Also ...


I often ...


Stuffed my bra with ...


TOILET PAPER!


Nothing really helped.


I still KNEW I was flat chested.
I still KNEW I had no boobies.
I still WANTED ...


BIGGER ...


ROUNDER ...


BOOBS!


When I grew up ---


I had 4 babies.


Still ---


A bit larger, but ...


Not BIG ENOUGH!


I'm now into my 40's.


I have boobies now.


Now what I want is ...


To get rid of these ...




Always-in-my-way-makin'-me-look-fatter-than-I-really-am-attract-my-husband-way-more-often-than-I-myself-am-actually-ever-really-interested-in-sex ... JUGS!



On the upside ... I know I can't do it - but, if I could ... I'd go back in time and tell my 13 year old self to ...

STOP DREAMING! DON'T SPEND THE MONEY! When you get to be 40 something - you won't care quite as much and ... you really need to consider buying yourself a sporty convertible instead because ... you will never believe it, but ... you will be TRAPPED driving a VAN for 16 years or more, hauling 4 kids from here to kingdom come and ... no matter what you do ... those big ol' boobs will not look cool or sexy or VOLUPTUOUS ... in the sweats and t-shirts you wear most often and they will NEVER look HOT ... in a BIG BLUE VAN!

(*They will look pretty darn good at the lake, though - in a picture your youngest daughter takes of your boobs ... instead of your face*)



*Note - To those new readers that have come to my site to read this post through Stumble Upon - welcome! And ... thanks for coming by. While you are here ... I hope you will take time to read some of my other posts - I'd love to share my stories with you. If you like my site - please subscribe to my site in your reader, as I post new stories daily and would be honored if you came back again . I'd also appreciate a thumbs up on this post if you liked it - thanks - Kellan

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78 comments:

JenniBeanV said...

I think you are lucky! I am a saaaaaad little A cup. If I could just be a B I would be so happy!

Brenda said...

I've busty my whole life, even at 10 I felt like a giraffe with boobs. Now I'm in my 50's (and mind you, they stayed put until past the half century mark), they've insisted on moving south, one inch at a time. If I live to be 80 I figure they'll be down around my ankles. :-)

Angela said...

I've been busty forever. And even during the time I lost a TON of weight and was down to an A cup, that a cup was only skin! All that empty skin filled up an a cup. But then another baby comes and bad to the D-DDD they go. I haven't had perfect perky breasts since fourth grade. No. Lie. Of all the sizes I've fluctuated through, B is my favorite. A well rounded B. Its all you need. I mean really if they are not full of milk then they aren't good for much.

Rosemary Bogdan said...

I couldn't believe how busty i got after nursing six babies. LOL At 53 yeah, They've had their day.

The Boyds Family said...

HA HA!! I finally got the boob size that I've always wanted....unfortunately, I had to get fat to get them this size :(

My youngest daughter is obsessed with boobs. She's only four and she tells me almost every day that she can't wait to be "BIG"

Joanna said...

Bwhahaha!! (wipes tears from eyes) I was reading this and I thought you were going to pull a funny cuz I've seen pictures of your hot self. Nice try! ;)

If there was only a way for me to take this belly fat and slap them on my chest I would be a happy camper.

Brittany said...

There's hope for my BOOBIES!!!! YAYYYYYYY!!!!! :)

Rachel said...

*sigh*

How I remember toilet paper and "how I must...'

Then after the first kid holy big chestedness, after the 2nd ye gads!! and now that there's no more... well they just point downwards.
But you're right, I don't care nearly as much.
There are so many more important things!!!

Denise Wheeler said...

You crack me up!! I did the same exercises. They didn't help. I was an A cup forever. I had 2 kids. I almost made it to B but not quite. Now, after having triplets and nursing them I up to a D but just barely! If I ever get unfat I will probably go right back down to an A cup. I would be happy with B though. Maybe, someday, I will look as good as you do and have the perfect boobs to go with the rest of the bod. bwahahahaha. Right!

mamajil said...

very funny post!! :)

Kami said...

Hee hee, too true. I only gained some cleavage upon having kids and I was quite content to be flat! The bouncing...I can do without :-)

LaskiGal said...

Cherish the boobage, I say!!! Cherish it!!!

At least while they aren't dragging on the floor or needing to be flipped over your shoulder . . .

Adrian said...

I have to share a funny story. My sister was always flat chested and she asked my Mom what to do. Mom jokingly said to put her thumb in her mouth and blow and they would magically inflate.

Years later when she was an adult, she told my Mom that she nearly blew her brains out trying to make that work!!!

Eileen said...

I have been busty my whole life, and sadly my children are too. They seem a little too happy about it. I need to constantly tell them not to wear shirts that are low cut. I love when they ask me why mine, "go down." Charming children, but I love them anyway.

Threeundertwo said...

LOL! After breastfeeding my twins, I've got the useless jugs now too.

Too late.

Tabitha said...

I know the feeling ~ I have a larger chest too!! I was never that flat chested ~ but they arrived for real when I had the kids and have just stayed!!
love and hugs XXX

Amanda said...

I have big boobs!
I would love to be a c-cup.
When i was thin, before the 4 children, they were still big! :(
Oh well..
Have a great day!
l,
Amanda x

Eagles' Wings said...

Lucky you... I am still using padded bra ;-)

Belle said...

Ok Kellan...I feel your pain. SAME problem...bathing suit shopping each year is a nightmare!!

Dad said...

Sometimes LIFE is just a bummer!

Kel said...

I think we all want that...don't we? I know I did...I do. I am not as small as I was pre-children, but I am not what I would like to be. At least I can still wear cute shirts without them falling out! :)
~K

Amy said...

LOL!:)

I will have to admit though, I am almost 40, and I would love a pair like that! (Even in a mini van!) ;)

Tara said...

Oh funny!

Sally said...

I think the diet will help; at least I'm hoping so in my case. :)

Missy said...

As most teenagers probably do, I though I was fat with smallish boobs back then. Now - I would kill to get that body back - I was most certainly not fat, and my boobs - *sigh* - were fabulous. Now - not so much, so I know what you mean.

tammy said...

We always want what we don't have, don't we? I had boobs young and didn't want them because I was a ballet dancer, and professional ballet dancers did not have boobs. I wanted to tape them flat. Then when I got older, I realized they could work to my advantage ; ).

You are a hot mama! And I would've thought that pic was taken by your hubby, not your daughter. At least that's how my hubby takes his pics.

duchess said...

Alexis is just dreamin' of the day.

I quite often wish I could deflate mine too (and lift them up as well).
You must have been really good at those exercises.

Amy said...

Are they not what they're cracked up to be? I wouldn't know. he he he

Amy said...

Are they not what they're cracked up to be? I wouldn't know. he he he

dani said...

i would like to just have a nice, perky perfect b-cup... i hate boobs, HA!!!
love,
dani

Dawn said...

LOl! I'm not forty yet...maybe there's hope for me still. ;)

Courtney said...

That is too funny! I have NEVER had boobs. Always wanted them, never had them. Now I could care less about them. They just don't seem so important anymore. My ass on the other hand, very important.

Karen said...

I remember praying desperately for boobs, late bloomer that I was. Now, as I cram my extremely saggy double-D's into my minimizer bras, I pray that my girls don't get more than a C cup.

Karen said...

And let me just add that I have to order my 36-K nursing bras from an online store in Canada.

bren j. said...

Hhahah. FUNNY!

Steph said...

Man! I feel your pain, though I have been large since high school. Never had the "wish I was bigger" thoughts...
I wish some of my smaller friends could take some of these DD's away from me! :)
Oh and PS, I started blogging Aug 24, 2007, just one day after you! Pretty neat!
xoxo

Nancy said...

I concur, they "get in the way". I always had "boobs" when I was younger and as the snarks go ... guys talk to the boobs, rarely making eye contact *gasp*

Kaci said...

I hate my boobies and never liked them! :)

My boys are Army Brats said...

LMAO I love it! I never had to hope for more. I worried I'd be like my mom who was barely and A cup but I got my D cup boobs from my dad hahaha!

Pregnantly Plump said...

What a funny picture! I am sadly, still tiny. One child didn't make a difference and I have a feeling that more won't either. Oh well. I like wearing tank tops anyway.

Mighty Morphin' Mama said...

They are pretty beautiful!
But I have been at least a c/d since I was 13 and felt so fat and conspicuous as a teen and into adulthood. Nothing quite fits, ever. Especially right now as I am pushing the F cups. ugh.
I don't think I would ever want to be less than a C though, I am pretty used to being busty!

Leah said...

Kellan, that is all so true!! I wanted bigger boobs for years and years, mourned GREATLY when after my first nursing baby was done nursing, they actually SHRUNK, and now I'm pleased as punch I don't have big boobs. Clothes fit soooo much better! (I do wish they could be perkier, though...)

hilarious pic your child took! Looks like one my hubby would have taken of me.

kim-d said...

Nice rack, Kellan...BWAHAHAHA! Here's my question, though. How did you get them? You did not buy those, did you? I mean, it's none of my business, but now you have me wondering! I just always think, no matter what we have or don't have, we're never satisfied with our bodies. I'm very accepting of mine, which is how I got so fat. BWAHAHAHAHA. With the resultant big jugs, too. Ah well. Whatever. My youngest granddaughter once told me they were nice and soft, like a pillow. Don't know if that's good or bad, but she said it in such a nice, sincere way...HA!

joan said...

Funny Kellan! The first place I lose weight is in the boobs. Too funny about the photo.

Queen of My Domain said...

ROFL, that is so funny. I'm right there with you only I have had my way to big boobs since my teenage years. And they definetely aren't cute anymore. Not that anyone sees them driving around in my van. Hahahahaha!

My Goodness said...

You are hilarious!
And NOT shy...haha!!

Glad I got to see those, I mean, you today!

Tina

Kelly said...

I finally grew my nice rack in college, late bloomer I guess. But after having 3 kids they are deflated, saggy, and small. It's really pathetic. Push up bras are my best friend.

Be proud of what ya got....they look awesome girl!!

Jocasta said...

That's a pretty good rack!

Donna said...

Hahahahahaaaa....Fun post sweetie!! Enjoy them!!hahaha...hughugs

katy said...

I used to pray for bigger boobs. I always say that one day God got tired of me praying for something so stupid so he gave them to me, but also increased the size of my butt to match.....its bad I tell ya.

the dragonfly said...

the last line was the very best..

:)

I've always been small, even after having a baby...but I never cared. Except I have to wear a strapless dress in a wedding in January, and I'm terrified!!

*sigh*

Me said...

I'd be so happy if I woke up one day and my boobs had miraculously shrunk. Yeah, that would be cool. :)

Trace

My Wonderful Men said...

I've always had DD's and always hated them. When men talk to you that's all they see. They are heavy and a pain to carry around. I would love to have a small chest.

Glad you are happy now.
Amy

Mimi's Toes said...

I use to practice with putting 45 record holes on my boobs to see if they would grow. This is so funny.

shay said...

I'm still not holding out much hope. I am 35 and still no boobs in sight. (your's are nice btw lol)

I'm trapped in my van with my 4 kids too but...NO BOOBS! I may have to buy myself some;-)

Jen said...

Wait, how did you go from "flat chested" to that?! I'm 36 and I had a kid and mine are only a smidgen bigger than they ever were. You are going to get a LOT of hits with that picture, you sexy thang!

One Scrappy Chicklet said...

Oh I have always had the boobs. I just wish I could put them back where they started from.
I wonder if I went and had the pierced and wore a chain from one to the other around my neck if it would help. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!

texasholly said...

Love it!

PS--congrats on the HTML success of adding the stumble button AND
I came over here from Twitter! You are all multimedia over here!

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Dude. Nice boobs.

Amanda said...

Its every little girls dream, but like you said, if we only knew! I'm a B cup and I even think those get in the way or catch food on the "shelf" all the time. Oh, well!

Hillary said...

I love my flat chest. I always have. And I always will. Yay for no boobs!

Mama T said...

I'm so jealous... I'm 35 and still flat, however... I AM getting bigger and it seems to be happening overnite. Is it hormones? Anyway, yeah... so what did you do? Cause I wouldn't mind looking like that. LOL :)

Ellie said...

ha ha! You make me laugh... out loud! Seriously.... your blog is amazing.

Michelle said...

Boy that sounds familiar. I was "tiny" all through high school and even mostly college. Not so much anymore, but babies will do that to you. I love the cleavage shot though!

Elaine A. said...

Do you know what some of us women would do for jugs like that? Oh nevermind. We always want what we don't have, right? ; )

Thanks for the laugh Kellan! : )

TheCynicalOptimist said...

Since I'm pretty sure I am destined to a life of minivan driving--- I'd better just get rid of any notions of a hot bod from here on out!

tinabean1988 said...

I Hate my boobies to!
I was always told that when I had kids I would lose some well I started at a C cup and 4 kids later I am a very full DD.
I can't ever find cute shirts that aren't skin tight, I fall out of bathing suits, they are heavy and my neck & back always hurt.
I honestly can say there is nothing I like about them!

mannequin said...

Oh we are just NEVER satisfied now, are we?
I keep asking hubby if we can get one this Christmas and one next Christmas.
Denied. I am denied a simple body part.

Indy said...

I was the same way throughout my life. I too wish I could go back and tell myself to relax. They will someday be a normal size and no one will call you flat again. Great post.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I filled a prescription the other day for someone getting a boob job. The pain medication, the anti-nausea suppositories--I couldn't fathome doing that to yourself for a cosmetic reason.

I think the sporty convertible would be a phenomenal idea--just for once in a while.

Sandra Carvalho said...

ROFL!
xoxo

I got an award for you!
xoxo

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Yup, I'd like to, ahem, downsize my property here, too.

KEEP BELIEVING

Hyphen Mama said...

I think your boobs look AWESOME...blue van or not.

I was happy with my D cup. Now after 2 kids, I've got DDD and really wish they'd have not done that.

Monogram Queen said...

I had a boob lift three years ago - best thing i've ever done!

Cattigan said...

The "girls" attached to the front of me become the topic of conversation among my friends quite often. I never had them until I had kids so I'm quite proud of them! Thank god for the right bra to keep them where they are suppose to be!

bichonpawz said...

You are H I L A R I O U S Kellan!!!

Stacie said...

my eight year old DREAMS of having "boobies" being that I am not (and have never been) a SMALL chested girl, I tell her to just wait because as soon as she gets them she will want them gone!

Andrea said...

YOWZA!! Hot Mama!! :) You are too hilarious. I don't know of too many women who would post a picture like that.

You look fabulous!!

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