Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Memories ... Light The Corners Of My Mind --- Except Those Corners Where I Keep The FREAKIN' CRAZY Ones!

I have seen some things in my life.


I am not so old that I have seen every single crazy thing that can be imagined, but ... I've see some stuff.

I've seen bugs that live in my back yard that I am pretty sure the National Geographic hasn't even documented ...

Don't worry - it was dead - found in the pool!

I've seen dogs walk right into my house - after having been outside all day long - prance right up to my daughter's room and poop right on the carpet.




I've seen the Texas 500 year flood of 1998 and woke at 7:00 a.m. on an October, Saturday morning to more water in my yard, in my house, in our vehicles (both brand new and totalled by the water) - than I've ever seen in a residential yard - from the view of my front porch.


I've seen castles in Germany and cathedrals in Rome.


I've seen snow on the peaks of the alps in Switzerland.


I've seen my sister get hit by a home run ball at a Cub's game at Wrigley Field in Chicago.


I've seen the view from the top of the Eiffel Tower, The Sears Tower, The John Hancock building, The Tower of Americas, The Washington Monument and The Leaning Tower of Pisa.


I've seen the cherry blossom trees bloom in Washington D.C. and walked through the halls of the White House.


I've seen the trees turn to a magnificent gold and amber and bronze and gorgeous mountains rolling as far as the eye can see - out of the hay loft window in top of the old barn at my grandfather's farm in West Virginia.



I've seen a little boy I know put on his orange mohawk ski cap, tuck his tiny ski poles under both arms, aim himself straight down the hill and ... fly down snow covered mountains as fast as the wind will take him.



I've seen the ocean view from the beaches in Jamaica, Spain, Mexico, Florida, Texas, Virginia, St. Thomas and Grand Cayman.


I've seen Alcatraz and Fisherman's Wharf and ate the most delicious clam chowder while gazing across the bay, through the fog, at the Golden Gate Bridge.



I've seen the Statue Of Liberty, Ellis Island and Ground Zero.


I've seen nearly every Disney movie ever made.


I've seen my first babies grow up in 16 years and go from riding tricycles to driving themselves to school.



I've seen all of my grandparents pass away and even some friends ... not old enough to be called Home.


I've seen movies I've loved and movies I've hated.


I've seen babies born and some of those babies came out of me and some were puppies I helped deliver.

I helped deliver this pretty boy 7 years ago on a day (my birthday) when I was very pregnant with Alexis and his mother decided she needed my help.

I've seen my children smile at me with so much love that it lit up an entire room.


I've seen looks on those same children's faces that could have broken a mother's heart.


I've seen good looking men and ugly women.


I've seen rodeos in Texas and even found and married myself a real live cowboy.





I've seen the Pope at the Vatican and been on the inside of many churches across this nation and around the world.


I've see Jesus in the eyes of my children.






I've seen A LOT in my life.


I thought I'd seen it all - REALLY ...




Until ...



One day recently ...


When ...



Alexis - my 7 year old daughter - came home from school ...



Walked up to me at my desk ...



Turned herself around ...


Slid her floral pants down to her ankles ...


Bent way over ...


Put her hands on both of her chubby butt cheeks ...


Spread her ladiness really wide ...


And said ...


"It hurts - What's da madda' with it?"


I could not help but see it.


It was right in front of me.


I looked.


I saw!


I thought ...


Well ... NOW - I've seen it all! HOLY ... PUT-YOUR-PANTS-BACK-ON-LITTLE-GIRL --- BATMAN!


I told her we'd get some medicine.


I also told her ...


"Next time ... let's go about that a different way - m'kay?"


She agreed.


Then she giggled.


On the upside ... I'm storing this memory - this sighting - in that section of my brain labeled - "HOLY CRAP!" I don't expect this memory to surface often - but, if it does ... I will quickly push it right back behind those of the cherry blossoms and the Leaning Tower of Pisa - back there with the cobwebs - right behind that memory my sister put in my mind of the dream she had once of my mother standing in the living room of her house --- naked --- with her hand on the stair railing and the other on her hip - one foot on the bottom step - posing there in the nude ... like she was George Washington crossing the Delaware River! YEP - that's where it's goin'!

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67 comments:

Rachel said...

I just snorted Diet Coke through my nose.
I did not see that coming.
HOLY CRAP! is right.

You have seen a lot in your life, this was fabulously written. Beautiful lead up and the punchline, well hell Kellan. It doesn't get much better than that :-)

Hugs and Blessings.

Dawn said...

;o I didn't see that one coming! Neither did you..right? That was funny. Other than that last sight you mentioned, what a lot of amazing things you've seen in your lifetime. Have a great day!

Dad said...

HOLY cow !

Kami said...

Okay, with the talk of giant roaches last night on Twitter and that, that, whatchamacallit grossness in the first picture...seriously Kellan, trying to give me a heartattack?

But this post! Snort! That story is too good, it must be shared at her wedding. It must be.

:-)

Michelle said...

Wow. The good news is that your family obviously knows to be comfortable with and trust you, right? And that's a good thing, isn't it?

I don't care if that bug was alive or dead. The fact that it got THAT close to you and that it was at one point alive near your house would FREAK me out. Now I remember why I don't live in a warm climate.

Smiling Shelly said...

Bwahahah! Good thing I had swallowed my drink before finishing this post.

Holy Crap! I've never seen that before - but I think I'll just leave that one to you. M'kay? :)

Are You Serious! said...

♥ That's hilarious! Sounds like something mine would do! :)

Laski Gal said...

Holy crappenings . . . she DID not???

WOW. I was all caught up in the photos and the cool places you've seen and then

POW!!!

Good one . . .

Leah said...

OH MY GOODNESS! Boy, did that make me LAUGH!

bermudabluez said...

OMG Kellan! This was indeed a Perfect Post and deserves an award!!! I too got all caught up in all the cool places you've been and seen and then WOW. Holy, HOLY Crap! You sure are a very, very good writer!

Joanna said...

(slides off chair and unto floor from laughter) That is freaking hilarious!! What made her think that was the way to handle it?

Me said...

Oh my gosh, I did not see that coming!! Very funny!! :)

Trace

Jyl @ MommyGossip said...

Gotta love the honesty and innocence of kids. And... gotta love your storytelling just as much.

Loved. This. Post.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I have a similar memory file. The kids are great at finding things for me to store there!

Steph said...

OH my now that was funny! I am not sure I would have been able to handle that one with as much grace as you did.

Amanda said...

I definitely did not see that one coming!

You've certainly seen a lot of things in your life.

SabrinaT said...

I put my coffee down JUST IN TIME! Trying to explain to the husband why we need a new lap top would have been interesting! That was beautifully written and funny!

Darla said...

Just about when you're sure you've seen it all! :)

Ellyn said...

HOLY CRAP!! That was so funny.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I was all caught up in the sweetness of seeing Jesus in the eyes of your children...and then....butts in your face!!

Hallie :)

One Scrappy Chicklet said...

OH MY!!! and to think we all live vicariously (sp) through you and now we have that in the back of our minds. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Have a great Wednesday,
Tami

Brenda said...

Hahaha! I love your term, "her ladi ness." Our 3 yr old granddaughter did this to us at the supper table one night.

Nancy said...

Bwahahahahah

You sure have seen it all now =)

Deb Burton said...

Came over to see what the fuss was about from a link on Twitter. Holy crap! Sorry, it's already been overused, but what a funny post! You had that fish hook planted in firmly, reeled me in, was even thinking of leaving one of those sappy awe-inspired comments, when you slapped that visual right squarely in my brain.

Thanks for a good laugh early in the morning. It's a great way to start the day!

Anonymous said...

I bet that memory will surface quite a few times in the coming future. No way to hide it, sorry. That was freaking hilarious. Margie

Kel said...

Oh my...I can't even begin to imagine the look of shock! Yep, definitely a memory to be locked in the deep recesses of the brain! hehe
~K

Kelly said...

OMG, that was a good one!!! They keep you on your toes don't they??

(I would have died if I had found that bug in my yard!)

:)De said...

BRAVO!

Amanda said...

Ok first, that bug is outrageous!

Second, totally wasn't expecting what Alexis did. Completly caught me off guard, funny as hell, but definlty unexpected! Love it!

I love the picture of the old barn too, love those scenes!

Monogram Queen said...

I totally did not see THAT coming!!! Buttcheeks and the Vatican... all in one post!

Tracey said...

Well, you certainly threw me for a loop there! I was expecting something sweet...

Thanks for the coffee through the nose!

Rosemary Bogdan said...

LOL Kids are so funny. And isn't it sweet though that she trusts you so much, that she is so comfortable with you that she can just SHOW you what's wrong. teehee
Wow. You've seen a lot! How wonderful.

Kathryn said...

Well that one certainly caught me off guard.

Can I just tell you that the first picture of the bug had to be one of the nastiest things I've ever seen? Ugh. That is the worst! I would literally crap my pants if I saw a bug like that. Who in the world was brave enough to put their foot next to it? AAAAAAACCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stacie said...

roflmao...oh this is CLASSIC. Love it. I have to say, you have seen a lot and MOST of what you have seen I am jealous of...except that last sight. ;)

Melissa said...

The anticipation was too much. Love love this!!!!!!!

Tanja said...

I was blindsided with that one, did not see it coming! Too, too funny!

Aleta said...

That poor girl is going to be reminded that she did this when she gets older. OMG. I was not prepared for the ending. Thanks for the shocking laughter.

Kaci said...

LOL!!!!!!!!! Hilarious!

Laura said...

The HOLY CRAP memories are usually some of the best - or at least the most hilarious...

Jaina said...

That centipede creeped me out. But hilarious post. Seriously.

Pregnantly Plump said...

Was the pun intended? I think putting that memory in the Holy Crap section is very fitting.

girlytwins said...

I cannot stop laughing. HAhahahahahaha1!!!!

Kimmy said...

WOW - I wasn't expecting that! I'm still chuckling!

Kimmy

Anonymous said...

What was hurting her - you never did say.

Karen said...

Okay, I'm never swimming in your pool. I had to stifle a scream when I saw that bug!

katy said...

That farm brings back memories of my grandparents farm....jumping off the hay wagon to open the gates for the tractor.
We have those bugs here too and I hate them.
That reminds me of when my then 6 year old son got sand in his little wee wee and rubbed it raw....he was dropping those shorts and running to me....

Tabitha said...

OMG Kellan ~ will you stop doing this to me (ha ha ) ~ I sit here with my coffee ~ gently sipping away and reading your lovely serene and meaninigful post and then I take another mouthful and read 'THAT' bit (tee hee) ~ and spray coffee over the laptop yet again!!!!!
sending you big hugs XXXXXXX

Jen said...

Oh thanks! You brought this memory to the forefront...Took a group of preschoolers to the pool, and they were all changing back into their clothes. I looked over and a little boy was on the floor looking into a nude little girl if you catch my drift. Holy Crap! is right.

joan said...

LOL Kellan! I totally didn't see that one coming. I was all into all the great things you have seen and then that..........too funny. Good post.

Jocasta said...

Great post! We have had a similar occurance here lately!

That bug is pretty freaky!

Kimmie said...

holy crap.

Oh to be 7 years old again. I love that she giggled....

Of course, I'm going to be watching TV later this evening and this is going to pop into my head.

tammy said...

ROFL!! And so glad you chose not to capture that moment in a photo. Really good blackmail material there.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

That was quite a buildup!

Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING said...

Wow. You have seen so much. This is a great post.

KEEP BELIEVING

Dianna said...

#1
I feel pretty boring and homebodyish next to you. I've seen Mickey Mouse and diaper rash and not much else.

#2
bbbaaaawwwwwhhhhhhaaaaaahhhhhhhaaa
*!*

JCK said...

Oh, that girl is too, too much.

Amanda said...

At the beginning i cringed with that horrible bug ~ then i nearly wet my pants laughing at the end! Whatta Girl!

rthling said...

SO didn't see that one coming!
LOLOLOLOL!

Robin said...

This was just the chuckle I needed today .. very entertaining and wow you really have seen a lot!

Julie said...

I think it would have taken me a while to get over the shock. *lol*

sting said...

hahaha! she did that?! never for one moment thought she would do that! and wow! you did experience so many wonderful and amazing adventures before :-)

Badness Jones said...

That was NOT where I thought this post was going!!!! I nearly peed my pants! Great post.

E said...

Thanks a lot. I just did the ugly laugh and sprayed iced tea all over my white blouse.
Great storytelling Kellan.
Oh, and I love your new pics too!

MamaGeek said...

Ha! Another one who DID NOT see that ending coming Kellan. I must say I just adore that golden retriever of yours. You help deliver him and only kept ONE PUPPY! :) I'm fairly certain I would have kept the entire litter. Tis true.

Cheffie-Mom said...

I'm rolling! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL!

Elaine A. said...

Holy Crap is right. I am about to pee my pants over here!

Hope she's okay... ; )

Pam in Colorado said...

What exactly was that critter you found in the pool. I've seen smaller type versions but THAT is scary!!!

How have you lived a life that has allowed such wonderful travel and experiences? I am jealous (in a good way).

I did not expect that ending. My goodness, to laugh or to go crazy, such times as that keep life with your children quite interesting. ;)

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